


Mac Has Anxiety

by InsanityRule



Series: It's Always Sunny Script Fics [3]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Anxiety, Blatently bad ways to help anxiety, Mild Blood, Panic Attacks, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-18 07:11:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3560801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsanityRule/pseuds/InsanityRule
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stress is nothing new in their lives, but it's hitting Mac harder than ever. Dennis decides to help in his own [not helpful] way.</p><p>Meanwhile Frank and Charlie go all out to ensure the bar's safety.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There are some pretty obviously flawed leaps of logic on Dennis' part. And ways you should not use to cope with anxiety. Don't want to blind sight anyone with that, and sorry in advance if it's not your cup of tea.

[12:02 am.]  
[On a Thursday.]  
[Philadelphia, PA.]  
Dennis: You’re sure he’s coming tonight?  
Dee: Artemis said her acting buddy is down the street. [Hangs up her cell phone.]  
Dennis: Perfect.  
Charlie: I still don’t see why we’re scaring the shit out of Mac.  
Dennis: Well Charlie, if we’ve learned anything over the years it’s that Mac is terrible in fight or flight situations.  
Dee: Yeah he’s shit his pants in fear at least once. That’s already too many times.  
Dennis: But he still insists on being security for the bar. So we figure if we scare him bad enough with a ‘real’ robbery that he’ll have to admit he’s not the guy we want in charge of keeping the bar safe.  
Frank: And I’m next in line. [Takes out his gun.]  
Dennis: Woah there Frank. Not until after the scare. Or, I’d prefer not at all but we all know you won’t stand for that.  
Frank: If this theatre punk thinks he’s going to really rob us he’s got a bullet coming right for his ass.  
Dennis: Yes, after he scares Mac. What’s taking Mac so long?  
Charlie: He’s getting a new keg by himself.  
Dennis: That’s no good. It could take hours! Charlie, go help him out.  
[Charlie goes out back.]  
[A masked man enters.]  
Masked Man: This is a-  
Dennis: Woah wait one second. He’s not in the room.  
Masked Man: What? I just-  
Dennis: Yeah yeah, I know why you’re here. Do me a solid though. Wait five minutes out front. The guy will be back. Then we’re good to go. Okay?  
Masked Man: I…  
Dennis: Dee he’s not getting it. You talk to dumb actors you deal with this.  
Dee: Fine. Hey, hey stupid. You’re scaring a guy with no sleeves alright? [Gets up in his face.] Hello in there? Dumb dumb. [Knocks on his head.]  
[He stabs her side.]  
Dee: [Gasps.] What the shit was that for? [Hand to side.]  
Dennis: What the hell man? Trick knives can hurt.  
Dee: [Pulls her hand back. It’s covered in blood.] Oh. Oh shit Dennis. [Groans.] That’s real. That’s a real knife.  
Dennis: Oh shit!  
Masked Man: Money! Now! [Approaching Dennis.]  
[Mac and Charlie enter with the keg.]  
Mac: I’m just saying someone could have helped sooner.  
Charlie: Well you’re the one always saying you’re so strong.  
Dennis: Mac! A knife!  
Mac: What! [Stance.] Okay bro- oh shit is that blood!  
Dee: My blood you dickhole! [Doubling over.]  
[Mac’s freaking out.]  
Frank: Enough of this. [Clicks safety off.] Better run theatre jockey.  
[Robber swears and turns to run off.]  
[Frank shoots him in the back.]  
Dennis: Oh shit is he dead?  
Frank: [Kicks the robber, he groans.] Nope. Shut up.  
Dennis: Fuck. That’s it. [Gets the phone.] I’m calling an ambulance.  
De: What about me you asshole!  
Dennis: Fine, two ambulances.  
Charlie: Uh, better make it three dude.  
[Everyone looks to Mac.]  
[Mac is hyperventilating under a tall table.]  
Dennis: God damnit.

[Mac Has Anxiety.]  
[Theme Music.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Ambulance worker is looking over Mac.]  
[Mac is still panicking.]  
Paramedic: He’s having a panic attack. You’re welcome to bring him in but this just has to pass on its own.  
Dennis: Can’t you bring him?  
Paramedic: No room. Keep him in a calm space and it’ll pass.  
Dennis: Thanks doc. [Guides Mac to a chair.]  
Paramedic: And your sister should be alright.  
Dennis: What? Oh, yeah whatever.  
Dee: God damn it! You guys are assholes!  
[Paramedics take Dee and the robber away.]  
Dennis: So buddy, what do you say? Feeling better?  
Mac: Can we leave dude?  
Dennis: Sure, yeah, of course. Let me just talk to Frank and Charlie one second. You try to relax okay? [Pats Mac on the shoulder.] Go sit in the office.  
[Mac leaves the room.]  
Dennis: Okay, what the hell was that?  
Charlie: Well a dude was really robbing us.  
Dennis: No not that. Mac.  
Frank: It was pitiful is what it was.  
Charlie: Does this mean me and Frank can do security now?  
Dennis: I think I would trust Dee more than Mac after seeing that display.  
Frank: No contest. Me and Charlie got this.  
Dennis: Good, fine, but what about Mac? Since when does he have panic attacks?  
Charlie: Oh all the time dude. See, in middle school he was a twig and people ragged on him so he freaked out and hid under stuff. Then he thought he learned karate and started ratting people out. You can’t straight up attack Mac, dude. He’s all soft and marshmellowy on the inside.  
Dennis: Can’t argue with that. We need to find a way to chill him out.  
Frank: That’s your bit. We’re gonna get supplies after some shuteye.  
Dennis: Supplies? Wait, [Holds his hands up.] I don’t want to know. Reasonable doubt, Dennis. Reasonable doubt. [Goes to the office.]  
[Mac is curled up on the floor.]  
Dennis: [Rolls his eyes.] For the love of- C’mon let’s get home. [Pats his pockets for his keys.] Shit, we walked.

[Cut to Frank’s van.]  
[Charlie is staring at Mac from the middle row of seats.]  
Mac: What. [Sounds shaky.]  
Charlie: You’re not gonna freak out again right?  
Dennis: Charlie he’s actively freaking out, and honestly with Frank driving I don’t blame him.  
Frank: I’m a great driver. [Someone honks.] Pipe down asshole!  
Mac: Dennis…  
Dennis: Just relax Mac. We’re almost home and you can have your little conniption fit there.  
Mac: I’m totally fine. That jabroni must’ve used some sort of super secret fighting technique.  
Charlie: No way dude.  
Mac: It’s a real thing Charlie.  
Charlie: He just had a knife dude. Nothing special.  
Mac: That kind of ability isn’t something you see.  
[Charlie pulls out a knife.]  
Mac: Wh-  
Charlie: Do I got it Mac? [Crazy eyes.] Huh? Huh! Do I got a special power! [Jabs.] Well? Huh Mac? Hyah! [Mac cowers.]  
Dennis: Charlie for Christ’s sake. What the hell is the matter with you?  
Charlie: Anxiety makes me jittery man. It’s like being back home with mom. [Shouts.] I hate it!  
Dennis: Well Charlie you probably have some anxiety yourself.  
Charlie: You think?  
Dennis: Yeah. Jesus Mac get it together. [Mac stays curled up.] Charlie, put the damn knife away. Go sit by Frank.  
Charlie: By Frank. Yeah. [Inching to the front.]  
Dennis: Knife away. [Charlie closes the knife and sits, still watching.] Good. Stay up there. [Mac sits up with a huff.] Where is this coming from dude? You’ve never been this jumpy.  
Mac: I dunno man. [Airs out his pits. Dennis grimaces.] Frank is there A/C?  
Frank: Naw. It crapped out ages ago. You know what your real problem is Mac? Charlie take the wheel. [Charlie complies and he turns around in his seat.] You gotta confront this anxiety like a man.  
[Mac starts hyperventilating.]  
Frank: See? Fight it Mac!  
[The van is swerving.]  
Dennis: Drive the van Frank! Or let Charlie sit there! My God you’re giving me anxiety!  
Mac: Den.  
Dennis: What!  
[Mac points out the windshield.]  
[They rear end a garbage truck.]

[Hospital emergency room.]  
Dennis: Unbelievable. [Rubbing his stomach.] Can we go somewhere quiet? [Gestures to Mac.]  
Nurse: Honey this is the emergency room. You want quiet you get your skinny ass home.  
Dennis: [Impatiently pacing.] Mac I’m finding Charlie.  
Mac: Wait-ow!  
Nurse: Honey relax. You’ve got a broken nose and bruised ribs. Your little boy friend will be back.  
Mac: We’re just roommates! Ow…  
Nurse: Now stop all this fussing and lie down.


	2. Chapter 2

[Hospital hallway.]  
Dennis: Charlie?  
Dee: Bout time you boners checked up on me. [Wheels out of a room.] I’m going to be fine, thanks for the concern.  
Dennis: Yeah, no, not here for you. We got in a wreck thanks to Frank. Charlie went through the windshield.  
Dee: No shit?  
Dennis: Saw the whole thing.  
Dee: I gotta see this. Wheel me there.  
[Dee and Dennis find Charlie in a separate room. He’s grinning like an idiot.]  
Dennis: Hey hey Charlie. You’re not looking too bad bro.  
[Charlie’s bruised and banged up but okay.]  
Charlie: Yeah man. They gave me floaty pills.  
Dee: Okay so he’s high.  
Dennis: Probably for the best. Say Charlie how’s the anxiety?  
Charlie: What?  
Dennis: Never mind buddy. You good to go?  
Charlie: Dunno. [Squints.] Why’re there two of you?  
Dennis: Okay he’s staying here, and I’m not in charge of that so, [Pushes Dee to Charlie.] have fun.  
Dee: Goddamnit Dennis!

[Mac’s being treated when Dennis returns.]  
Dennis: He free to go yet?  
Nurse: Rest and no alcohol with the pain pills, the both of you. Now please, get out of here so I can get someone else a bed.  
[Mac eases off the bed.]  
Mac: How’s Charlie?  
Dennis: High as a kite. I wheeled Dee into there so it’s her problem.  
Mac: Have you seen Frank?  
Dennis: That asshole better hope I don’t see him.

[Next morning.]  
[Charlie’s (and now Dee’s) hospital room.]  
[Dee and Charlie are asleep.]  
Frank: Charlie! We gotta leave.  
Charlie: [Snaps awake.] What what! Oh, hey Frank.  
Dee: I’m fine, by the way.  
Frank: Whatever. They’re trying to ask too many questions. Insurance for you assholes. Payments. Time to dash.  
Charlie: Oh shit. [Gets up with a groan.] Uh man this sucks.  
Frank: You too Deandra.  
Dee: Wait you’re actually including me?  
Frank: You have a car still right?  
Dee: Goddamnit… fine. Fine I’ll drive.  
Charlie: Cool. I call back seat. I’m never going near a windshield again. [Pushing Dee out the door.]

[Mac and Dennis’ Apartment.]  
Dennis: Alright. The pills say no driving and all that other bullshit. I think we each pop one, get a beer and settle in for a movie marathon. [Mac looks like a deer in headlights.] Or, we don’t do that?  
Mac: Didn’t the doc say no alcohol?  
Dennis: Well yeah, but it’s probably only a suggestion. [Mac gulps.] [Sighs.] Fine. Fine. The pills are enough. You gotta relax dude. This scared animal routine is getting kind of stale.  
Mac: I’m trying dude! It’s hard! I feel my emotions very strongly.  
Dennis: Yeah that’s the problem. Well, these pills cause drowsiness. And they’ll make you feel good, so maybe that’ll help.  
Mac: Yeah?  
Dennis: Yeah. Sit down. I’ll get water.

[Mac is wearing a sweater when Dennis gets back.]  
Dennis: [Sits.] Is that my sweater? [Mac shrugs.] It totally is!  
Mac: I wanted a sweater.  
Dennis: Yes but it’s my sweater. Just don’t cut off the sleeves at least okay? [Mac nods.] You do know I’ll get you to tell me what the hell is going on with you eventually.  
Mac: Nothing’s going on dude.  
Dennis: Bullshit dude! Taking my clothes. The panic attacks. Are you dying? Is that it?  
Mac: No! Nothing’s going on!  
Dennis: You’re such a shitty liar!  
Mac: Yeah well-! [Holds his side.] Ugh fuck gimme the pill.  
Dennis: [Sweating.] Yeah I was putting on a tough face but this hurts like a bitch.  
[Both knock back a pain med.]

[Hardware store.]  
[Charlie is sitting in the shopping cart. Dee is pushing.]  
Dee: I don’t see why Charlie gets a ride when I got stabbed.  
Charlie: I went through a windshield! I deserve the cart ride!  
Dee: Okay, but I was Goddamn stabbed and I deserve one too!  
[Both look to the background.]  
[Flatbed carts.]  
Dee: Say…

[Cut to Frank pushing Dee and Charlie.]  
Dee: Now this is more like it.  
Charlie: Yeah Frank this is great.  
Dee: Based on Charlie I’m surprised you don’t look worse.  
Frank: I bounce around like a bumper boat. It sounds awful on impact but no major damage.  
Charlie: Man I wish I could do that.  
Dee: You know you pretty much do that Charlie. You should be proud he inherited your resilience Frank.  
Frank: He’s not my kid Deandra.  
Dee: Sure Frank. There’s no evidence that you two are father and son.  
Charlie: Wait but- I thought-  
Manager: You can’t ride on those.  
Dee: Uh, yeah we can.  
Manager: [Exasperated.] It’s against store policy to allow people to ride on the flatbeds.  
Frank: That’s a load of horse shit.  
Charlie: Yeah I went through a windshield!  
Dee: I was stabbed!  
Manager: I can’t allow you to ride the flatbed. It’s a liability.  
Dee: And to think we were gonna spend a lot of money today.  
Charlie: Big mistake dude. Huge.  
Frank: I think we’ll take our business elsewhere.  
[They leave the flatbed in the aisle and stiffly shuffle to the exit.]

[Mac and Dennis’ apartment.]  
[They’re snoring.]  
[Both are on their sides facing each other. Dennis facing the back of the couch and Mac’s pillow between Dennis’ stomach and the back.]

[Hardware store.]  
Dee: Hey, hey you door guy.  
[College age guy looks up from his phone.]  
Dee: We’re riding the flatbed cart.  
DG: Okay.  
Dee: Well that was easy.  
Frank: How would you like to make five bucks?  
Charlie: Frank what are you doing?  
Frank: I wanna ride too. What do you say kid?  
DG: Ten.  
Frank: Deal. [Hands him a five.] You get the rest when we’re done.  
DG: Sure.  
[All three cram on a cart.]  
Dee: Frank this is much better than the other place.  
Frank: I’m never going back to that shit hole again.  
Charlie: [Digs out a list comprised of mostly symbols.] We need a shit ton of wire.  
Frank: You heard the man.  
DG: No problem.  
Dee: Well, hold on. We do still want to make people feel welcome. Since we only get about ten guys in the bar on a good night and a bunch of creepy traps or whatever might scare them away.  
Charlie: This is about safety Dee.  
Frank: We’re not messing around. We take this very seriously.  
Charlie: Grab some baskets. Do they have needles?  
Dee: No, no needles. Don’t make traps with needles. You idiots.  
Charlie: Do you want Mac in charge of security Dee? Is that it? Do you want a marshmallow man keeping us safe?  
Dee: Well, no, but I still want to make some money. You guys, just don’t kill anyone with these stupid traps.  
Charlie: We got this Dee. Frank and I have been testing traps in our apartment.  
Frank: We’re getting great results.  
Dee: With what? What on earth are you trapping?  
Frank: Don’t worry about it Deandra. We got security covered.


	3. Chapter 3

[Mac and Dennis’ apartment.]  
[Afternoon.]  
Mac: [Sits up slow and looks around. Hair sticking up on one side.] Dennis. [Shakes Dennis’ leg.] He, wake up dude.  
Dennis: Five more- ow…  
Mac: We slept all Goddamned day.  
Dennis: What? [Sits up.] I bet those idiots didn’t even open the bar.  
Mac: Did they even leave the hospital?  
Dennis: Don’t know, [Rubbing his stomach.] don’t care right now. I’m not going in.  
Mac: Yeah. I bet those jabronis can barely move.  
Dennis: Because we’re doing so much better. [Mac huffs.] And to be honest you were already doing terribly before the car.  
Mac: I’m fine, dude.  
Dennis: Sure you are. So well, in fact, that we’re going to do something special today. Call it a Special Monthly Dinner.  
Mac: What?  
Dennis: Mac and Dennis’ Relaxation Day. We’ll go to the spa, get massages, we’ll do anything to help get yo- us relaxed.  
Mac: Why?  
Dennis: For- Something has you worked up. You won’t say what. We’ll just ignore that part and pretend a day out together will fix that. Okay? Jeez, you try to be nice once a year. [Shaking his head.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Charlie is tying off a wire.]  
Dee: This is not safe at all.  
Charlie: Let me and Frank handle this Dee we’re professionals.  
Frank: So this part swings down when the wire is touched.  
Charlie: Yeah, see, the wire here is connected to this thingy-  
Dee: I can’t. I can’t watch this. I feel like shit. I’m gonna pop a pill and crash. [Walks to the back office. Trips on a wire. The arm swings and hits her in the face.] God damn it!

[Mac and Dennis’ apartment.]  
[They’re sitting crossed legged in Dennis’ bedroom. Soft instrumental music. Incense. Eyes closed.]  
Dennis: Mac this is stupid. [Whispers.]  
Mac: It’s meditation.  
Dennis: You do know this can be a religious practice right?  
Mac: What! [Eyes pop open.] No way!  
Dennis: Yep. But hey, it’s only religious if you want it to be buddy.  
Mac: No. [Hands on knees, bewildered.] Forget this let’s go to a real church. I don’t want God to think I’m confused.  
Dennis: [Mutters.] Too late. And no, I said relaxing Mac. Not your God fearing rituals. Since you apparently suck at this I’ll choose the next activity.

[Massage parlor.]  
Receptionist: So you want a couple’s massage?  
Dennis: No, what the hell’s your name, Drew? Okay Drew. We want massages, me and my friend here, and we want them at the same time, same room, and we want to you know, talk with each other while it happens.  
Drew: That’s a couple’s massage.  
Dennis: Yes but we’re not a couple…  
Mac: Not a chance in hell.  
Dennis: ...so it really doesn’t appl-  
Mac: We just live together.  
Dennis: [Looks back at Mac.] Is it necessary for them to know that? Huh? [Getting in Mac’s face.] Well?  
Mac: [Looking at the ground.] No.  
Dennis: No, it’s not. [Laugh.] You know sometimes you just. [Shakes his head. Strangles the air in front of Mac.] Sometimes.  
Drew: Ahem. [Dennis turns around.] The couple’s massage is cheaper than two separate ones.  
Dennis: Oh. Well, sign us up. You know how to please your customers.  
[Mac is looking tense.]

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[The room is filled with wires.]  
Dee: Oh. My. God.  
Frank: Isn’t she a beaut?  
Dee: Why? Why the wires and is that a trash can?  
[Trash can hanging in a corner.]  
Charlie: Yeah it swings down when uh… when that [Points to several wires.] one gets stepped on.  
Dee: You Goddamn idiots don’t even remember do you.  
Charlie: Well we took our pills and-  
Dee: Oh. My God you made all of this while you were high.  
Frank: As a kite. And now it’s time to test it.  
Dee: No. No no no you’re not testing this. Take it down. Right now. Goddamnit you guys! Seriously!?  
Frank: You agreed we would keep the bar secure. And that’s what we’ve done.  
Dee: Not if it kills us in the process!  
Frank: That’s why you do testing Deandra.  
Dee: Who’s testing this death trap?  
Frank: I got a guy. Cricket! [Cricket enters the bar.]  
Cricket: What what? I don’t got all day Frank where’s the food?  
Frank: On the pool table, if you can get there.  
Cricket: What the hell is all this?  
Charlie: Cricket we don’t have time to explain just run the course and if you make it… [Gestures to a rotisserie chicken.]  
Cricket: [Sighs.] Alright. Beats sucking.  
[Cricket nimbly dodges a few needles and a collapsing stool. He ducks the trash can and weaves when beer bottles swing back and forth on strings. He rolls to the pool table and starts eating.]  
[Dee, Frank, and Charlie are astonished.]  
Charlie: Damnit.  
Frank: back to the planning room. C’mon Charlie.  
Dee: But he survived.  
Frank: Exactly. This is supposed to keep scum like Cricket out. No offense.  
Cricket. [Eating.] None taken. Say can I get a beer?  
Frank: Beer him Deandra.  
Dee: What? No way! This isn’t a charity bar.  
Frank: Be our guinea pig again and a beer is yours.  
Cricket: Deal.  
Dee: Damn it! Don’t kill Cricket in the bar!  
Charlie: If we set it right the trap will throw him out.  
[Dee shrieks and leaves the room.]

[Massage parlor.]  
[Dennis and Mac are face down on tables.]  
[Mac’s masseuse is a man, Dennis’ a woman.]  
Dennis: Now this was a good idea.  
Mac: It was your idea, dude.  
Dennis: Exactly. [He groans.] Magic fingers and no talking. Best massage ever.  
[Mac sound like he’s thoroughly ‘enjoying’ his massage.]  
Dennis: Buy him dinner first Mac.  
Mac: Dude this feels awesome. [Lifts his head up to look at Dennis.] A manly guy needs a manly massager.  
Dennis: Masseuse. And it’s not about strength, it’s about the press- [moans] ure. Right on my lower back if you will.  
Mac: We should do this more often.  
Dennis: We should. And you’re not even thinking about Frank crashing the car or the robber or Charlie pulling that knife-  
Mac: Dude you’re making me think about it.  
Dennis: Right. Sorry buddy. No thoughts. Just relaxation.  
[Mac settles in, watching Dennis fondly. His masseuse moves lower. And lower. And-]  
Mac: [Jumps off the table.] WHAT THE FUCK! [Only wearing striped briefs. He’s holding his right side.]  
Dennis: What’s your problem?  
Mac: HE GRABBED MY ASS!  
Dennis: He’s giving you a massage!  
Mac: NO! [Agitated and shaking.]  
Dennis: [Gets up. Rolling his eyes.] Come on Mac, we’ll go do the next treatment.  
[Dennis leads Mac to the mud room.]  
Mac: No way.  
Dennis: For the- It’s mud. Clean mud really. No one else has been in it. [Mac is shaking his head.] Stop that you’re a grown ass man. We’ll go in the sauna okay?

[Mac bursts out of a sauna breathing shallowly.]  
Dennis: Okay, I give up, your turn. What calms you down?


	4. Chapter 4

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
Dee: We’re not protecting diamonds in the bar you idiots.  
[Wires everywhere.]  
Frank: Cricket you’re up.  
Cricket: Easiest Goddamn meal I’ve ever gotten.  
[Cricket parcours through the wire spiderweb.]  
Charlie: Damnit!

[Hair salon.]  
Dennis: You’re serious.  
Mac: I like the hair washing part.  
Dennis: So you like scalp rubs.  
Mac: The water’s warm dude. You take all the hot water.  
Dennis: C’mon. If you’re so set on getting someone to wash your hair I’ll do it. Don’t waste money on these amateurs when you don’t need a haircut.  
Mac: Really dude? That’s gay.  
Dennis: It’s frugal. Do you want this or not? [Mac is adamant.] Fine.

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Dee standing behind the bar with a trash lid in hand.]  
[The wires are multiplying.]  
Dee: How the hell are we supposed to have customers Charlie?  
Charlie: [Peeks up from behind the bar.] Um… that’s Frank’s department.  
Dee: What the hell is all this?  
Frank: A Rube Goldberg machine. I got the idea online.  
[He plays them a video on the laptop.]  
Dee: God damn it.

[Salon.]  
[Mac and Dennis in salon chairs.]  
Dennis: Yeah just skip my hair I’ll have a pedi. [Reclines and lets a woman work on his feet. Mac groans.] Enjoying yourself?  
Mac: [Stylist washing his hair.] Huh?  
Dennis: I’ll leave you to it. [Sighs.] This is way better than working.

[Cut to Dee and Charlie fending off Rube Goldberg machine projectiles with trash can lids.]

[Salon.]  
Mac: Can I get some stuff for my hair?  
Dennis: [Stops the stylist.] Hold on there, don’t you think he looks better this way?  
Mac: Dennis this isn’t a badass haircut.  
Stylist: But it’s so cute this way. [Tousles his hair.]  
Mac: I’m not trying to be cute.  
Dennis: I can see that.  
Mac: Cute is for boys [Dennis’ eyebrows go up.] I’m a man.  
Dennis: Of course you are. No one’s arguing that. But stop slicking back your hair it looks like you don’t shower.  
Mac: My dad does it and he’s badass.  
Dennis: Your father is badass because he’s a criminal, dude. We’re done here. Let’s just go eat.

[Paddy’s Pub.]  
[Back office.]  
Dee: Charlie this is bad.  
Charlie: Frank’s still out there man.  
Dee: He’s dead to us Charlie it’s a deathtrap out there.  
Charlie: Maybe me and Frank shouldn’t do security.  
Dee: You think? God damn it Charlie. I will not sleep in the bar. Get us out.  
Charlie: Okay okay, I have a plan. [Looks up at the vent.]  
Dee: God. Damn. It.

[Mac and Dennis’ apartment, interior door.]  
Dennis: [Opens the door, exasperated.] What the hell was that dude? You’ve gotten way more anxious.  
Mac: I couldn’t decide!  
Dennis: I know that! The whole restaurant knows that! You’re getting all anxious over irrational things now!  
Mac: [Tense.] You’re making it worse dude.  
Dennis: Okay [Steps back.] okay. Deep breaths buddy. [Mac takes small quick breaths.] No, not… here like me. [Talks a deep breath and sighs.] See? [Quick breath.] Not… Jesus here, look at me. [Gets close.] In. [Mac is still shallow breathing.] Out. [Small sigh.] Try deeper. In.  
Mac: [In but breathes out quick.] I can’t hold my breath, Den.  
Dennis: C- [Shakes his head.] With me. [Hands on Mac’s shoulders.] In. Out. Good. Now, we’re gonna do some research because my God, nothing we did today did a God damned thing.  
Mac: I don’t really wanna jack off-  
Dennis: Real research, Mac. The internet isn’t just porn. [Mac looks skeptical.] C’mon. Time to find some cheap anxiety remedies, because doctors are expensive.  
Mac: Yeah I’m not paying for any of that bullshit.

[Paddy’s vents.]  
Dee: Oh God. Charlie this sucks bad I think I popped a stitch.  
Charlie: Almost there Dee. Almos-ha! Here we go!  
[They emerge in the bad room.]  
Dee: Charlie I don’t wanna die in here.  
Charlie: It’s not that bad Dee. [Makes his way through broken glass to another vent.]  
Dee: Damn it. [In pain.]

[Next morning.]  
Mac: Dennis you said we were going to the gym.  
Dennis: After we make sure the bar isn’t burned dow… hello this doesn’t look good.  
[Charlie and Dee are slumped against the wall.]  
Dennis: What the hell? [Parks on the wrong side of the street, leaning out the window.] Why aren’t you inside?  
Dee: Can’t. Turned on us.  
Dennis: What?  
Charlie: Frank’s still in there dude it’s a mess.  
Dee: Those two boners turned the bar into a Goddamned metal spider web.  
Charlie: Dee there’s no spiders in metal webs.  
[Dee starts berating Charlie.]  
Dennis: This is moronic! [They stop.] We were gone one day! And you’ve already destroyed the bar.  
Dee: Well while you and Mac went on your little man date Frank and Charlie handled security.  
Dennis: We’re going home. [Starts inching forward.]  
Mac: Dude wait.  
Dennis: What?  
Mac: I’m going in.  
Dennis: Don’t do that you idiot they’ll figure it out.  
Mac: It’s my job, Dennis. [Gets out of the car.]  
Dennis: For the love of- [Parks and gets out.] Mac this is stupid.  
[Mac opens the door and gets hit by a tennis ball. He doubles over.]  
Dennis: Shit! [He and Charlie pull Mac to the side.] What the hell was that!  
Charlie: The first line of defense dude.  
[Camera peeks in door the the metal web.]  
Dennis: What about the back door?  
Charlie: Blocked.  
Dee: You do not want to go that way.  
[Mac shakily straightens.]  
Dennis: Sit down damnit. Let’s just call the cops.  
Mac: I’m going in.


	5. Chapter 5

Dennis: Dude this is stupid you’re already hurt.  
Mac: I can handle it.  
Dennis: Not really but whatever you want.  
Charlie: Here dude, use this. [Hands Mac a trashcan lid.]  
Mac: Alright. [Holds it like a shield.]  
[Mac sidesteps into the bar and a couple tennis balls hit the lid. He inches to the keg room and slides down the floor.]  
Dennis: Mac? You doing alright in there?  
Mac: What the hell did you do Charlie?  
Charlie: We’re keeping the bar safe! No one robbed us!  
Mac: Someone could get killed! This is not how you police a bar dude!  
Dee: All in favor of Charlie and Frank not doing security?  
[All raise hands.]  
Dennis: Now we just need to dismantle all this shit.  
[Three hide behind lids and join Mac.]  
Dennis: Any sign of Frank?  
Mac: Nothing.  
Charlie: Maybe he’s in the bathroom. The last run got pretty rough.  
Mac: I’m on it. [He stands and steps towards the bathroom. Steps on a wire.]  
[Marbles dispense into a bucket. Bucket moves down. Knocks a roller skate with a beer bottle rolling down a track. Beer skate tips, bottle breaks on a hammer. Hammer swings, releases lever to launch broken bottle.]  
Dennis: Mac! [Mac gets distracted and hit in the back.] God damn it.  
Mac: Am I bleeding? [Yes.]  
Dennis: No.  
Mac: I don’t know where to step!  
Dee: Not on the wires dick brain.  
[Most of the bar is wires.]  
[Mac goes through a series of wires okay. After he turns back and smiles.]  
Dennis: Pretty good dude.  
Mac: Really? [Steps and trips.]  
[Pan to rest of gang.]  
[All three wincing and making faces while crashing is heard.]  
[Cut to bottles smacking into Mac.]  
[Marbles scattering across the floor.]  
[He slips, falls and stays down. One last wire trips.]  
Dennis: That’s gotta sting. You okay bro?  
[Mac groans.]  
Dennis: Yeah you’re okay.  
Dee: This isn’t good there’s still half of the shitty wires in the back.  
Charlie: I’m not going back there. Frank set those.  
Dennis: Well shit that’ll kill us.  
[Bathroom door opens.]  
Frank: What the hell is going on out here?  
Dennis: Your Goddamn traps are what’s going on!  
Mac: [Slowly getting up.] Why traps?  
Frank: Brains over brawn.  
Mac: What the hell Frank… [Reaches back and rubs his back. Hand comes back bloody.] Shit! You said I wasn’t bleeding!  
Dennis: Because I knew you would [Mac starts panicking.] do that. Great. [Gets up and walks over.] Sit up. [Grabs Mac’s hands.] Arms up. Okay? Breathe with me Mac.  
Dee: What the hell is this?  
Dennis: [Ignoring her. His forehead is against Mac’s.] In? Yeah, out. Good. Few more.  
[Rest of the gang looks uncomfortable.]  
[Mac is much calmer.]  
Dee: What are you doing?  
Dennis: What? [Gives Mac a hand up.]  
Dee: That… never mind. Whatever works weirdo.  
Dennis: Calming techniques, Dee. You should really try them sometime.  
Charlie: Dude me next! [Holds his arms up.]  
Dennis: Some other time buddy. Mac, you probably need stitches so let’s go.  
Mac: Is it that bad? [Tries turning to look.]  
Dennis: No, yes, just come on. And you guys better get rid of this mess.  
[As they leave Cricket pokes his head out of the bathroom.]  
Dee: Say Cricket, want to earn another beer?


	6. Chapter 6

[Gym Floor.]  
[Mac is on a treadmill, Dennis is lazily peddling a bike while messing with his phone.]  
Dennis: This is so boring. There’s not even a TV.  
Mac: Dude I never use this stuff. You’re the one telling me not to lift.  
Dennis: Because you were in a car wreck two days ago. Honestly you shouldn’t be here at all.  
Mac: You did too!  
Dennis: And I’m going at a slow and steady pace. [Barely moving.] You know what would really help is if we figured out why you’re so stressed out recently.  
Mac: I’m not stressed dude.  
Dennis: No, none of your weird denial thing. Just saying you aren’t stressed doesn’t make it go away.  
Mac: [Side-eye’s Dennis.] You can’t tell the others.  
Dennis: Scout’s honor.  
Mac: You weren’t a scout.  
Dennis: Whatever dude. If you’re willing to share then share, but don’t lie to me and say you aren’t stressed.  
Mac: Okay, well… dad’s going to be in prison a long time.  
Dennis: Yes.  
Mac: And I’m supposed to be the man of the house while he’s gone, so I gotta stay strong and tough for mom.  
Dennis: Why the hell would you need to do that?  
Mac: Because I gotta keep her safe dude! She’s talking to some guy online and I gotta be ready to defend her in case he’s a giant creeper!  
Dennis: So your mom’s seeing somebody.  
Mac: Naw they’re just friends. It’s not a big deal dude.  
Dennis: Uh huh…  
Mac: But I’ve been working out extra hard and taking these sweet supplements. [Tosses Dennis a supplement bottle.]  
Dennis: What? Why? You don’t need supplements.  
Mac: I’m packing on mass dude.  
Dennis: Did you take one today?  
Mac: I take one whenever I work out. Took one to help lift the kegs too. Anything is a workout if you push yourself.  
Dennis: Jesus no wonder you’re so anxious. You know these are stimulants right?  
Mac: Duh, why else would I take them.  
Dennis: How long do you work out after taking one?  
Mac: I dunno like five minutes.  
Dennis: Holy shit, why?  
Mac: They make the workout more intense.  
Dennis: That is not how they work at all.  
Mac: [Stops the treadmill.] Really?  
Dennis: They’re for better endurance for a longer workout.  
Mac: Son of a bitch.  
Dennis: You’re done taking these. Once they’re out of your system you should be to your normal anxiety levels.  
Mac: So, none.  
Dennis: I highly doubt that. [Mac starts walking again.] Fine, but if it’s still bad we’ll dress you as a giant bird and sneak you into Dee’s therapist appointment.  
Mac: [Laughs.] Sure dude. I don’t need pills though. Just leave me hot water from now on, okay? Cold showers suck.  
Dennis: Fine. It’s not my fault if Dee uses it up.  
Mac: Maybe we should get the shower finished. The toilet’s cool and all but…  
Dennis: Yeah the apartment isn’t very exciting without a shower or beds.  
Mac: And Dee’s place is so lame.  
Dennis: We’ll get there buddy.  
Mac: [Nods.] So if we’re gonna do the right stuff for me does that mean you’ll start taking your pills?  
Dennis: Oh-

[End Theme.]


End file.
